Case 19

Make my house your inn,
Not your residents.

Words spoken by,
A man much older,
And much wiser than I.

I wanted to ask him,
Ask him many questions,
But alas I didn't see him again.

I should of heeded his warning,
And maybe this would be,
....different,
Very different,
But this is like everything else
A monument to my failures.

Nevertheless I press on,

Onto her,

For the sake of privacy,

I'll assign her a number, 19.

That's when I met her,

Age 19, figure is something else,

Herself esteem was low,

Her pride was high,

Sadly I wasn't.

Maybe if I was,

This would be different,

....... very different.

We dated,

We fell in love,

Days turns to weeks,

Weeks turns to months,

But not months to years.

A year later I hear those words,

"Make my house your inn,
Not your residents."

It was too late,

The questions I wanted to ask are simple.

What to do if you let someone in?

Someone who you can't live without?

A person with the power to destroy,

Every wall you built?

He probably couldn't answer me.

I let my guard down,

I fell for the dream,

19 really did a number on me.

I became a monster,

Lashing out at everything,

Falling back into depression,

19 fucked me up,

I couldn't help but smile,

And would reject all help,

All outside compassion.

I hated what I've become,

I'm the asshole you see today,

I hide behind bass kicks,

And very vicious lyrics,

Headphones always on.

I drink and smoke,

Unlike the dapper Mr. Smith,

Straight-edge isn't my scene,

And I'm still in that arms race,

Still raging against the machines.

Stacking false smiles,

On falser emotions,

To keep the falsest people happy,

I do not know,

Which life I'm living,

Or if I'm alive,

If this is a bad dream,

Please end it now.

All the thoughts in my head,

Said die now,

But alas I am afraid,

Of death and many other things,

Like cats, I'll never show it,

Or admit it outside of this form.

If you are unfortunate enough to read this,

I truly am sorry,

This is the only way I release anymore,

Its healthy, and more additive,

Again I use sadly,

......but sadly this is all I have left, that isn't designed to melt faces.